Am I Ever Going to be Good Enough...?

Here I am again...

Boy, it has been a long while since I have last written on this blog...and so much has changed since then. For starters I live in a different place, I have a different job, I am almost done with my Bachelor's Degree (and then on to my Master's), and I have a boyfriend. I am a completely different person compared to the last time I posted and most days that is a good thing. I have gotten over my depression (mostly) and no longer fear things that I once feared. 

However, there is always one looming attribute of life that I can never truly escape from. That is the fear of never being good enough...For the last 8 months, I have felt as if I was so much better and felt like for once I could actually be good enough in life. I have a great boyfriend who loves me, I am on my way to starting my career and my life, and a family that loves me and supports me.

But then today...I was hit with a ton of bricks by people I thought liked me...I am starting to realize that I may have been very wrong in that assumption...

Life is filled with ever changing thoughts...especially when you find out information that shows you that what you thought was right couldn't be further from the truth...I want to say the opinion of people doesn't matter to me, and for most people it doesn't, but for some people their opinion matters a lot to me. And to find out that these people may not in fact like you as you thought they did...well, lets just say that sends a huge blow to whatever sense of self-esteem you have left...

I'm not even sure if the assumption I now have is even correct. For all I know they could mean one thing and I interpret it to mean another (something I am very good at doing)...But all I do know is that, my feelings have been shattered and can't help but wonder a question I have been asking myself all my life...Am I ever going to be good enough...?

To tell you the truth...I don't know if I will ever know the answer myself...

Thankfulness All the Time

I know I haven't written in awhile. But I will try to write more often. 

What is Thanksgiving really all about? In the year 2012, when people talk about Thanksgiving we all think of turkey, stuffing, football, and a break from school. But is that really what we should be thinking about on this day? 

In early autumn of 1621, the 53 surviving Pilgrims celebrated their successful harvest, as was the English custom. The Pilgrims did not call this harvest festival a "Thanksgiving,"  although they did give thanks to God.  To them, a Day of Thanksgiving was purely religious.  The first recorded religious Day of Thanksgiving was held in 1623 in response to a providential rainfall.

"Thanksgiving is celebrated at the expense of Native Peoples who had to give up their lands and culture for America to become what it is today."

Linda Coombs Now, I know that I also forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Throughout the year life happens and you forget the true meaning. But Thanksgiving is not the only time that you should be reminded of all you are thankful for.  "Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34. So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving! A day where we can spend time with family, eat good food, and yes, watch football if we so please. But more importantly, tomorrow we need to remember all that we are thankful for. Everything that God has blessed us with throughout the year and even in the past.  Here are a few things that I am thankful for. I encourage you all to write a list of at least five things that you are thankful for.  1. Family  2. Friends 3. The chance to wake up everyday  4. God's unending mercy and grace 5. The freedom that I have to worship God 6. An ability to get an education (even though I take it for granted sometimes)  7. My puppies who know how to make me feel better when I'm having a bad day. 8. My best friend who has been with me through all the ups and down (and trust me there have been a lot of those) 9. My house 10. The great and wonderful gift of salvation 11. Talents that God has given me See, God has given us so many to be thankful for. These are only a few things that I am thankful for. And if I was to really ask God to show me what I should be thankful for then He would show me all that and more.  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!! Have fun with your families and remember that we should be thankful all day and everyday because God gives us reason every day.

The Power of MY God!

You see all these TV shows about people going missing. And you even hear about people going missing all over the United States. But you never believe that it could happen to someone that you know. When I heard the news about my friend Luke Atkinson being missing, it was very hard for me to process. It seemed so unreal that he could be missing. And then in church we talked about making God 1st in your life. And how nothing else should be 1st in your life. Also how we need to trust God even in the hard times. Proverbs 3:5-6 says,"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths". God wanted me in particular to trust him. He knew that this experience would be a very difficult one for me. And it took me to my knees! I cried and prayed asking God to keep him safe. It was the only thing I knew to do. 

Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.

God wanted me to have faith that he would take care of Luke. He wanted me to realize that there was absolutely nothing I could do about the situation. 

Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

By praying to God for his safety and that he would be found, God gave me a sense of peace. Now yes, I still was thinking about it every second. But I knew that God knew what was going to happen. And for me to worry about something that I could not control was unnecessary. God was in control. He was ALWAYS in control! And I needed to let go and let God be God. 

So Luke is safe! God answered the prayers of many people. People prayed in good faith and God heard our prayers. Thank you God for keeping my "big brother" safe. And thank you to EVERYONE that prayed for his safe return. I hope that you will see just how powerful prayer is. And ultimately, how powerful God is. 

"When faith replaces doubt, when selfless service eliminates selfish striving, the power of God brings to pass His purposes".  ~Thomas S. Monson~

Love Struck

Hey there bloggers! Sorry I have been gone for the past couple days. Things have been kind of out there and I haven't been able to really think of much to write about. But a lot has happened in the last couple days. Have you ever had a person that you just couldn’t get off your mind? Some people may consider that to be love. Is it really love? No, but "Love Struck" sounded like a fitting title for this blog entry. Every time I think about him, my heart just starts beating at a rapid pace. And when I see him, I can't stop smiling for hours. Whenever I receive a text from him, I get all happy and a text from him makes my day. Now I know what you are thinking, "Toni, you aren't in love. This is just infatuation". Trust me guys I know. I am in no way in love with this guy. But I know that he makes me happy. And I haven't felt that way in such a long time. Love isn't finding someone you can live with...it is finding someone you can't live without. Have I found that person yet? No, I haven't. But I do know that I have found someone that makes me happy. And it shouldn’t just be about changing your relationship status. It should be about whether you are happy with that person or not. And I am extremely happy with him. Even if things don’t work out and we stay just friends, I would be totally okay with that. Why? Because I know that he cares about me. And at the end of the day he cares about me more than other people I know. Now my family will always be first in my life. But, eventually I am going to have to find the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. And I think that the #1 quality you should look for in a guy, other than him being a Christian, is that he needs to be someone that makes you happy. And if he can make you happy, then everything else can be worked out. So don't base a relationship on looks or material things. Instead, look for someone who truly wants you to be happy. If that is the case then he will treat you like a queen. And you shouldn't settle for anything less.

So, am I in love? The obvious answer to that question is no, I am NOT in love. But could I potentially get there? Yes, anyone can. You just have to not be afraid of love. Sure you may get hurt and things may not always end well. But you still need to get out there and find the one that you will be able to call your forever partner. And once you find him/her then all the heartbreaks in your lifetime wont even matter anymore. And then you can have your Happily Ever After :) 

Emotions Taking Over

Sometimes, I have no idea what I am feeling. There are no real words to describe my emotions at times. Like at this point in time I am not to sure what to even write about. All I do know is that sometimes I am so confused. But then it shows me that there is only one person that I can always count on to clear up confusion going on in my mind. God is the only one who knows exactly what I am feeling, even when I don't. And for that I am thankful. I just wish sometimes that there was someone on earth that could actually be there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I hope I am not the only one who feels that way. And if I am then so be it. I just can't help but wonder sometime why things seem to go wrong and then no one is there to help you.

Will things always be like this? :'(

Life As We Know It

"Everyone has bad days..." That is what everyone tells us right? And yes it is true that everyone has bad days. But does that make your bad day less of a bad day? These are the things I question...and they are very good questions. Some people take your bad day and minimize it and make you feel like you are overreacting. I know that drives me crazy. It's bad enough to have a bad day, but then you have someone tell you that you shouldn't be reacting a certain way...that is just insane...
But then i found this quote...and the way it describes life is something I have never thought of. "Life is like an hourglass..." which mean we only have a limited amount of time to live. "Eventually everything hits the bottom..." and those are the bad days that you have where you feel like nothing will ever go right for you. "And all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along and turns it around". 
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that instead of looking at the bad day I am having or that I had, I should be focusing on the good days I have with friends that truly love me. I can think of a couple right now that I know would be there for me in a heartbeat. And if you instead focus on all you do have instead of what you don't have, then maybe you won't have so many bad days. 
Now I know you are probably like, "Dude, I already know this and I have it down so you aren't telling me anything new". If that is the case then alright then. I just felt like I should post something for the people that, like me, are not having such a great day. 2 Samuel 22:31 “As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.”

Trust God...he won't let you down! :) 

Rain rain go away...Please? :(

♫ Rain, rain go away. Come again another day...♩ That song would definitely be an accurate description of August 22nd, 2012. So I think that today was meant to be a sad day. Today was full of rain. One of my friends left for college today. He will be missed by many seeing as how he was such a great example to all of us. So, i dropped my sister of at school then drove myself to school. By the time I got to the parking lot I had 2 minutes to get to class and the earth had decided that it was a good time to start raining cats and dogs. Not literally, though that would have been easier to dodge. Anyways, I made it to class on time, even though I was soaking wet. The rest of the day went along pretty smooth. Finished my day early due to English being an online Moodle session. So I came home and got ready to go to Heart For Christ so I could see my friend that was visiting from Hong Kong named Eliza. I missed her so much and I was so glad to be able to see her again. Even if I got soaked AGAIN looking all over the Harvest campus only to find out a couple hours later that she wasn't even there lol But it is okay because I still love her :) Heart For Christ was definitely a much needed thing. It has been such a long time since I have gone to a youth group setting. And I love Harvest and all the teachers there so it felt nice to be around something familiar. And now I am ending my day reflecting on all that has happened today.

I do feel the need to share a little bit of what I did learn tonight. Songs are a great way to speak to someone. I know that a song sometimes does more than a person can. One of the songs we sang tonight was a song I already knew but it was just great to sing it again tonight. The song is "Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)" by Chris Tomlin. 
Here is a link to the song ----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbe7OruLk8I It is a very touching song and a great reminder of all that God does for us on a daily basis with his unending grace. And that is a great thought to end this rainy and sad day on :)